You offer your hand, they take your arm.

I have always heard my father say:

"There's a very thin line between generosity and stupidity."

But what if that is not the case?
What if a person merely wants to help the best way he knows how,
but is faced with hungry gluttonous crocodiles?
Feeding on the kindness, chewing off bit by bit, part by part,
pulling pieces of flesh, and tearing chunks of the little kindness that he humbly offered.
Would that still be called stupid?
I don't think so.
Taken advantage of?
Definitely.

What of the hungry, gluttonous crocodiles?
Those slimy, thick-skinned, lurkers who happened to be deliriously hungry
that they cannot seem to stop themselves
from locking their jaws on whatever is in their reach just so they can satiate themselves?
These crocodiles can never be called stupid.
Cunning perhaps, with an undeniable fierce savagery coursing in their veins.
But a crocodile is a crocodile.
Dress them up in the finest of clothing, spice it up with fur if you like,
don them in the most expensive of bags and shoes,
throw in a degree even...
but they are still one and the same.
They would still snap at your head with the littlest sign of hunger in their bloated bellies.

Thing is, their skin has gone too thick,
their bellies gone too big to fill,
and the sad part is, they seem unaware
that they were once humans too.

The brightest side of my birthday week!

After trips to the hospital, worrying what it was that was happening in my body, fearing that I may not be able to conceive one day, dreading the myoma's existence in me and everything unhappy that transpired in between, I was unaware that while these things were happening, two people cared enough to surprise me on my big day.

I found out that my younger sister and my beloved have been conspiring (yes conspiring!) as to what would my surprise be for my birthday. Thus, "Anything-you-want-day" was thought of and was given as a gift to me. I am pretty sure that I made it difficult for them to decide on something since I change my mind frequently. My cravings vary everyday that I later realized what a hiatus I have caused between my sister and my partner in trying to come up with a definite plan...

A trip to my fave restaurant, a bunch of my favorite leaves, buy anything I want and to top it all off, an ice cream cake that I have been planning to buy if I'll ever have some extra stash in my purse.

So my birthday came, after a trip in the hospital, my sister asked me to come and join her in Dairy Queen. Upon arriving there she went straight to the booth and talked with the friendly crew. Turned out, my cake was pre-ordered! I heard the crew say: "Ma'am Oasis po?" as it was handed to me, I didn't catch much of what was being said for I was deeply touched by what has been happening.

As I stood there, smiling like crazy, nodding as if I understood what the guy was instructing me with regards to my cake, all I could think of was despite the distance, she was still able to do all these things for me. It wasn't about the gifts nor the money spent. It were the thoughts put into actions, the planning, the time given to co-exist between time zones, all her efforts.

I don't know how else to thank you, for all the breathtakingly sweet things you have done and will still be doing for me. If you keep this up, I just might find ways just to give you that planet that you are asking for.

Polycystic ovaries, myoma and my birthday...

I have been experiencing pain on the left side of my abdomen.
The pain would start on my side, pierce through my back, only to have it shoot up towards my shoulder and neck part. The pain would range from a consistent dull to a pain that actually made me want to be rushed in a hospital. After much prodding (and a lot of pain) I eventually went to see a doctor. I was told to have an ultrasound and my blood checked. So it began...

I went directly to where I was told to go, and ended up sitting among women. Pregnant women at that. Each soon-to-be-mommy mindlessly touching their belly, and I was the only one who didn't have a bun in the oven in that room. As my name was called, I went inside to have my reproductive organs checked. I do not know if it was due to my lack of experience with such ,or something was just wrong with my body since the doctor doing the ultrasound seemed perplexed. Much so that she even called another doctor with her to help her with "something".
Definitely not a good sign. I caught little whispers, uncertainties, a little disagreement and eventually, a conclusion. I took a mental note on some things I heard and told myself to check them online after I get home. Since I couldn't have my blood taken that day, I decided to return the following day for my blood test.

After I got home, I immediately went online and tried to remember the things the two doctors were saying... something about immature follicles... my right ovary being difficult to see and something myoma on my uterus.

• immature follicles - arrested development of follicles = no ovulation

So I haven't been ovulating. I wondered how many immature follicles were there inside me just waiting. Waiting for something that may not even come for a few years time.

• myoma - A mass/tumor of smooth muscle in the wall of the uterus.
  

It says on the site that such cases are benign and not cancerous.
That's a good thing right?
Right?

----------------

April 23, 2009

My 29th birthday!
Went straight to the hospital to have my blood checked.
Got the ultrasound result which meant that I can research more on the findings.

----------------

April 24, 2009

Back to the doctor's clinic.
I was told that I have polycystic ovaries which causes a lot of irregularities with regards to my reproductive system. It means that my ovaries have over 10 immature follicles (no ovulations for me) and cysts causing my hormones to go haywire. Pain in the abdomen area, excessive bleeding, irregular menstrual periods and weight problems are just some of the things that are caused by it. That if I want to be pregnant, I would have to take fertility pills in order for me to conceive... and yes, to top it all off, I do have a mass on my uterus.
Having said that, I am to have regular ultrasound to monitor whether or not the mass is growing or not. So far, the myoma is currently 45x20mm (that's about 2 inches by 1 inch in size) I am hoping that my next ultrasound would have findings stating that the myoma is still of the same size. That would spare me being under the knife.

Now...

I am currently taking three kinds of different medicines.
There is however one that I just find to be so ironic,
I need to take contraceptive pills to correct my hormonal imbalance.
Wonder why I find that to be ironic?
Simply because I am a lesbian.
Had my body been normal, I would never ever be in need of such pills.
It's been a joke in our household for some time now,
the only lesbian who takes contraceptive pills.

These are just half of what I went through during the week of my birthday.
The other half is nothing but pure bliss.
Now that other half, deserves a whole new post ^_^

A whiff and the world transcends

I slipped your shirt over my head,
the sleeves go lower than my elbows,
the fabric caresses my skin,
the soft cloth hugging my hips
and the hemline ends along my thighs.
But the scent you left behind
got me in this trance.
Taking you in, my world spins
as memory after memory
danced in front of me.
Our home, our car, our things, our bed.
Our plans, our goals, our wishes, our dreams.
As I wait for you to come home,
I curl into a ball
and just this night I shall weep
for I have never missed anyone this much
all because your scent inundated me.