Monday, May 14, 2007

Will "everything" ever be the same?

I'm now lost.

Everything used to be a great word. I used to associate "everything" with "freedom". I tell you everything because I can. When I say something to you it is not a mere whim for verbal diarrhea. When I tell you an event or a thought and even the simplest of dreams, the only thing lacking is your presence when it happened because in the story that I am retelling, I do not leave out anything for you. But now I find myself losing to a battle that I was not aware of. That by opening up to you the way I had gotten used to would now mean a tragedy waiting to happen just around the corner.

I can no longer tell you everything.

I am suddenly turned into an insensitive devil who spits balls of fire without me knowing it. I become a villain who feels horrible in the end when this very villain never deviced a devious plan in the first place. I am bound to say sorry when I never waged a war right from the start.
When I tell you something in yellow why do you turn it into red?
I speak to you of orange and you turn it into red.
I tell you about green and you turn it into red.
I say something in pink and you turn it into red.
I am getting weary of this monochromatic world. Why turn me into a foe when I come to you as a partner? Must I now guard what I say? Can one live like that for the rest of one's life with someone? I am bound by your love and yet I feel that I am now gagged.
I am so lost.


Anonymous said...

Find someone who will let you become who you want to be. Fear or sadness should never be part of a relationship esp if the one causing it is your partner.

Goddess Gwen said...

Thanks "Anonymous". My post was written a few seconds after me and my partner had a fight so I guess it showed on my writing. Everything is great again and I know that our last fight would not be our last (geezuz that would be a bore) but I hope it would make you at ease that we did kiss and make up.

Christian said...

Never apologize. It's a gut reaction that we're taught, but it desensitizes. Don't say "I'm sorry," unless you have actual sorrow in your heart, or the lump of coal that mine has apparently become. Hence, my new two favorite words: my bad.
And if you said or did something in anger, and still feel it lucid, don't apologize. Fighting isn't necessarily a bad thing. It puts your thoughts on the line in a very personal way.
So slay bodies. Fight like you mean it, and almost never apologize.