Friday, October 29, 2010

Breaking Free

The closet is such a sad place. You won't really know how cramped it can be until you experience yourself how it is to truly be out of it. I was once in the closet and my coming out story was not truly difficult. It was having my first partner meet my parents that put me through a lot. That however deserves a different post.

I am one of those who does not see the "abnormality" of loving someone despite the fact that two people have the same gender. When I was younger, falling in love with a man felt like the most natural thing in the world, but so did falling in love with a woman. For me, love is love. No apologies. No justifications.

Though I have also learned that being openly gay does not necessarily mean total freedom. It happens when you enter a relationship where your partner is still hiding in that deep dark corner of the closet. That no matter how proud you are of yourself, your preference, your relationship and your partner, you tend to take a step back.

I experienced having wonderful dates and at the end of the day when all I wanted was to be able to hold her hand, I couldn't because the chance that people might see us was highly probable. It does not feel right when you are to hide everything that you are for fear of someone seeing the two of you together. Was it really that scary to be seen happy?

I never thought that I would somehow see the four walls of the closet once again...

For years I had to re-learn how to become the mistress of pronouns where "we" is the only pronoun to use rather than dealing with the intricacies of "he" or the formidable "she." When somebody asks: "What did you do last (insert holiday here)?" rather than saying "My girlfriend and I..." I choose to answer with "We..." Oh such glorified obfuscations were not a stranger to me. Leading people into believing whatever they wanted to believe and never having the right to correct them. Words can truly imprison you. Silence is not a safe and neutral ground, it is a prison cell.

On some occasions, I have experienced being with my partner only to be asked by an acquaintance why on earth they haven't met our boyfriends. Worse, being set-up with a man right in front of your beloved. I had to keep my mouth shut as I tried to swallow the many biting remarks I could not afford to spew. I felt trapped and unwanted.

Imagine loving someone and being loved in return in a madly, deeply, breathlessly, passionately - but secretly kind of way...

For awhile it is bearable that is true but in the long run it gnaws at you, and on certain low points in your life you ask yourself if you are not worthy of something more.

What kind of coward doesn't shout about the person they love?

A lot of homosexual relationships live on the "Oh they probably know about us, it's quite obvious right?" and so they choose to live by that. Waiting for a moment that might never come. Deluding themselves that their idea of obvious is enough. You know what, the notion that others probably know about your relationship just doesn't cut it.

I am not saying that you do it now. A grand coming-out moment with confetti and glitters as you blast out of the closet is not even required no matter how fabulous that may sound. If you think that coming out wouldn't make a difference, then you are wrong. It is true that people will choose to believe whatever they want to believe, but at least you are able to liberate yourself.

Fear compels you in that dark place.
Break free from its confines.
Take baby steps if you want.
Come out, piece by piece if you have to.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

At a standstill

I miss it.

The stolen kisses.

Where the earth is suspended on its axis
and when it starts to spin again
it's turning a little faster.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Queen for a Queen

"Consider it yours." That was what she said when I asked my wickedly brilliant sniper to secure me an already sold-out Venomous Villains Oh So Fair beauty powder.

I was teary eyed, panicky and very anxious with the thought of wanting something so bad and yet I can't seem to have it. I know that what I have just stated may sound silly and probably even too childish for some, but if you truly know me, you would know that: a) I am a Disney Villain addict b) I become restless when I want something sooooooo bad (this calls for one of those bad kind of want moment) and c) I do not give a crap what you think about the many things I want to have in my life (from the mundane up to the most grandiose).

After much soothing and trying to calm me down, I saw her face brighten up as she gave me her winsome smile...

"You are now a proud owner of a Disney Villain make-up."

It took a few seconds for me to actually realize what she just did, and when it dawned on me, I squealed with delight and thanked her in between giggles.

I still haven't gotten around in letting her know how grateful I am.
I guess I just have to find a way SOON ;)

Monday, October 18, 2010

♪♫ Broken ♫♪

... The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
and I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will
will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now,
haven't forgotten my way home...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Something wicked this way comes

I do not know exactly when my love affair with the Disney Villains began. As far as I can remember, I have always been penchant to the other side of the characters in every Disney movie.

These "evil-doers" who would run things on their own rather than be like the princesses who would sit, sing and wait for the their prince to come charging just so things would happily end for them. To me, these villains were more interesting. More powerful, determined and cunning compared to the singing and dancing princesses. This may be twisted of me, but what the hell, my loyalty still lies with the villains up to this day.

Having declared my biased addiction to them, a few months ago, I heard about a cosmetic line (MAC specifically) would have a joint venture with Disney Villains, I was a bit excited and apprehensive. For one, I love (do I really need to reiterate this?!) the Disney Villains that the mere thought of them on anything - may it be on clothes, on my desktop, snow globes, stuffed toys, frames, hanging on my Christmas tree etc. makes me happy. On a darker note though is that I do not like wearing make-up as much as I used to many years back. So the thought of MAC cosmetics and Disney Villains combined, somehow made me unsure.

The uncertainty about the entire idea made me forget all the hoopla about it. It was only yesterday that I remembered and took the time to check how the MAC's limited edition turned out. As I read before, the cosmetic line was named MAC Venomous Villains Collection. Inspired by four Disney Villains namely: Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty), Cruella De Vil (101 Dalmatians), Evil Queen (Snow White) and Dr. Facilier (The Princess and the Frog).

Seeing their collection, I fell in love more if that is even possible. The limited edition cosmetic line consisted of beauty and blush powders, eye shadows, lipsticks, lip gloss, and even a compact mirror all of which are uniquely designed with iconic packaging you would want to keep forever.

Bad has definitely never looked this darn good.

Maleficent Set:
Cruella De Vil Set:
Evil Queen Set:
Dr. Facilier Set:
Price range is $15.00 - $25.00 tops. However there seems to be a shortage of the said Venomous Villains supply as most stores are now declaring that they are currently out of stock. So if you do find a MAC store which still has any of these beauties on display, I suggest you hoard them! After all, these are dazzlingly devilish that it's a sin not to have at least one!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The love that was, the love that is

When a love so great ends, it puts everything in a maelstrom. You learn to endure how it is to be alone. From the moment you wake up in the morning until you cry yourself to sleep at night. You deviate from all things that the two of you used to do together. Force yourself to stop reaching for the phone just to hear her voice. You reflect on what went wrong, you go through hatred, anguish, longing, sadness, hope, doubt, realization, and a certain sense of pride. The same pride needed to pick up from where you left off the last time you were bawling and scratching your eyes off. You dust off remnants of all the used to be's and you try with so much courage and dignity to take a step forward, willing your entire being to never look back.

Yet, somehow you do look back. You know you shouldn't but you do wonder. Maybe a peek wouldn't hurt. You have, after all moved-on right?

So you stand tall, put on a smile, whisper a reminder that you are fine and you look...

The love that was so great - is still great.
Changed, bruised, and battle-scarred,
but still beautiful.

You long to reach out, cry, and apologize
but you choose only to see and smile
knowing full well that the love that was
will always be great and will always be there.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Tsk... tsk... tsk...

How silly of me to have forgotten to include this man on my list! This here, is Jensen Ackles (Dean Winchester in the hit TV series Supernatural). This divine man along with the many creepy supernatural creatures keep me hooked on the series. Then again, I love and drool over the character he portrays and not really the actor. Hmm... that doesn't mean I ought to stop feeling all these sensations when I get to watch them on-screen right? ('coz I swear, it feels mighty mighty mighty fine)