I'm lost.

My heart is hurting.  Silent echoes inside.  Like claws tearing from within.  

Inch by painful inch.  Dragging.  Tearing.  Jagged.  Blood seeping.  Heartbeat racing. 

Breath uneven.  Digging deep.  Emotions in turmoil.  Whispers in the dark.  
Voices in my head.  The dark closing in.  A silent scream.  
For peace.  A little happiness.  My ray of sunshine.  
Waiting.  Wanting.  To be found.  To be home.

Christmas Blues Coming In Early

There is just one person missing from my Christmas List, my dad.

I have thought of a lot of things that I would love to give him - if only he was still around.
This is going to be the 3rd Christmas that we are going to have without him.
Yes it is less painful, but sad nonetheless.
I miss the planning of what the menu would be for both Christmas and New Year.
Family dinner.
Staying up late waiting for Christmas Eve.
Christmas feast shared by the family.
The gift-giving.
Opening of presents.
Seeing the smiles, hearing the laughter.

I miss my dad.

Though it breaks my heart that he is no longer around,
I will not cry.  He hates it when I cry.
So instead I will look forward to creating new traditions
and continue to do those that we have come to love as a family.
I hope that when he sees us celebrating, it would make him happy as well.

We love you Daddy, and we miss you just as much.