Reawakend By Your Hues

Driving in a sea of green,

I see you

leaves swaying

wind-whipped

gently

roughly

lovingly 

Pulling up to a yellow light

I hear you

vehicle slowing

but never stopping

just waiting

patiently waiting

Passed a stop sign

blood-red 

I held my breath

as you exhaled

"green".

"Piece by Piece" left my heart weeping...

This song is so poignant.  So heart-wrenching. 

My heart goes out to those who never knew their father, those whose father chose to leave them, those who cannot be with their father, and to those who only long to be loved back in return...

Little girl

Little girl
who are you
why do you weep
why are you here
what do you seek

Little girl
who made it rain
where does it hurt
why are you afraid
what has changed

Hush little girl
I know you have tried
to change
to see
to be
better, wiser, kinder
but now you are opened, raw, bleeding
frayed, torn, gaping
as you clutch your heart in your hand
wide-eyed you stare at me
bewildered
you seek the answers
I cannot give

Little girl
whose face do you long to see
in this darkness as you crumble and fall
A shadow of what once was
A memory of who you used to be
A recollection of who you used to know

Hush child
you'll find your way
you'll find yourself
you'll learn to love
yourself
eventually...

The Path Taken

I'm starting to lose myself...
or have I lost it along the way
pieces thrown
parts set aside
fragments hidden
to spare, to compromise, to give
what you want
what you need
to bend
to understand
to accept
but it's not enough
never enough
finding faults
tempers flaring
I back down
to spare, to compromise, to give
what you want
what you need
but I'm crying
I'm breaking
too caught up
for you to see
What you can and cannot do to me.

Father's Day 2014

I Choose You

Oh to have her in one of the most memorable moments of your life...

Hear what I cannot say...

I think of you in the dark

where whispers are heard like a scream

I speak your name

where silent echoes reverberate

I hear your voice

in a world that is solely my own

I taste your kiss

lips trying hard to remember

I see you smile

an unforgettable picture in my mind

Your love resides

deep in the recesses of my heart

Where every beat is a call

if only you could decipher

if only you could hear.

Fuck you 2013.  

Fuck. You.

Sweet surprise

To say that I have been stressed-out for weeks is an understatement.  I have cried, stayed silent, slept, got angry, became irritable, stayed-up, became restless, and to top it all off, I experienced palpitations for nights on end. I can't slow down.  I can't breathe.  I can't even help myself.  I still feel lost to be honest...

...but there are moments.  Moments like these that remind me that life isn't hopeless after all.  

Thank you for the surprise, but most of all, thank you for being the best sister in the world.  Not just for the gifts, the surprises and the likes but because I know that you will always have my back as I have yours  :)  

Shadows Within

"I've tried different ways 

But it's all the same 

At the end of the day 

 I have myself to blame"

Where We Will Be

We met somewhere between the moon and the stars

Colliding, swirling, lights dancing about

Sparks flying and somehow we knew

That we share a love, somewhere between the moon and the stars

We live separately somewhere between the moon and the stars

Where kisses and whispers seem so far

Painfully wishing you are near where I am

Somewhere between the moon and the stars

But I  know we’ll be home one day

That perfect time and that perfect place

Where we will share, grow and finally live

Somewhere between the moon and the stars.

"The Artist Is Present"

For those who need to see how love looks like, this moment would be it.  
"...because we never stop silently loving those who we once loved out loud."

"Marina Abramovic and Ulay started an intense love story in the 70s, performing art out of the van they lived in. When they felt the relationship had run its course, they decided to walk the Great Wall of China, each from one end, meeting for one last big hug in the middle and never seeing each other again. 

At her 2010 MoMa retrospective Marina performed ‘The Artist Is Present’ as part of the show, where she shared a minute of silence with each stranger who sat in front of her. Ulay arrived without her knowing and this is what happened."

♬ ♪ Just Give Me A Reason ♪ ♫

... Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent 
And we can learn to love again 
I never stopped 
You're still written in the scars on my heart 
You're not broken just bent 
And we can learn to love again...

Fire

That was all it took 

and I have come undone.

Playing with shadows

clutching at straws

my mind is in turmoil

heartbeat racing

as I come alive

It's a yes,

a no,

a maybe.

I stop,

I should,

I must,

my brain declaring what must be

as my heart tells a different story.

8:53PM 1/1/2013

"A wayward hand

fingers splayed

tentative

ghosting

along the curve of your hip.

Breath rising and falling

with the dips and crests

I've worshipped with lips and prayer.

Synapses traversing the distance

between fingertip and skin,

igniting

stoking

flames of desire laying in slumber.

Invisible patterns

etched into bone and sinew

inundating me

with indelible memories

when my fingers grasp at your hip

and was met

by nothing but air."

- Xam

I'm lost.

My heart is hurting.  Silent echoes inside.  Like claws tearing from within.  

Inch by painful inch.  Dragging.  Tearing.  Jagged.  Blood seeping.  Heartbeat racing. 

Breath uneven.  Digging deep.  Emotions in turmoil.  Whispers in the dark.  
Voices in my head.  The dark closing in.  A silent scream.  
For peace.  A little happiness.  My ray of sunshine.  
Waiting.  Wanting.  To be found.  To be home.

Christmas Blues Coming In Early

There is just one person missing from my Christmas List, my dad.

I have thought of a lot of things that I would love to give him - if only he was still around.
This is going to be the 3rd Christmas that we are going to have without him.
Yes it is less painful, but sad nonetheless.
I miss the planning of what the menu would be for both Christmas and New Year.
Family dinner.
Staying up late waiting for Christmas Eve.
Christmas feast shared by the family.
The gift-giving.
Opening of presents.
Seeing the smiles, hearing the laughter.

I miss my dad.

Though it breaks my heart that he is no longer around,
I will not cry.  He hates it when I cry.
So instead I will look forward to creating new traditions
and continue to do those that we have come to love as a family.
I hope that when he sees us celebrating, it would make him happy as well.

We love you Daddy, and we miss you just as much.

You Are My Poetry

You are the muse that compels me to write
who continuously sparks the life within me
with you I can see the beauty of life
that my love and passion is yours to ignite

There is poetry written all over your body... 
it is on the underside of your femur
running up and down your vertebral column
grazing along your clavicle
resting over your scapula

There is poetry in the way your hair cascades
the seduction of your luscious lips
the enticing slope of your breasts
the graceful curve of your hips

There is poetry in the way you move
the sound of your soothing voice
the steady beat of your heart
the way you lay asleep in my arms

You see my love,
there is poetry in everything that you are...
You are my poetry.

For My Dear Haven

Having you in my life makes me see that the world is indeed beautiful.
I have learned to appreciate not only the grand things in life 
but find happiness even in the mundane ones.
The pleasure of being able to hold your hand in public without fears nor worries
The feeling of contentment being wrapped in your arms as we talk
The joy I find when we rub each others back after a long day
Revel in the simple moments of sharing a couch during our lazy days
That my heart is at peace the most when I feel you sleeping beside me
I love holding your hand across the table during date nights
I will never get tired of letting you know 
just how beautiful and amazing you are
how much I cherish and adore you
I am very proud to be your partner 
and that you make me strive to be a better person everyday.

Love, I can no longer see a future that does not include you.

Yes Xam,
I am...
so in love with you.

My dear beloved...

You've only been gone less than a day,

but I'm already wasting away... 

I need to come back home - for good.