8pm

We will forever miss you baby Anya...

Waiting

Your memory remains

I breathe it closer

I swear that I still feel you near

The cool wind is taking over

it’s taking over

So far away

you’re gone so long

ohh and I’m waiting

Haunted by your grace

you know I’m falling

so cool without you

always in my mind

I hear you calling

So far away

you’re gone so long

ohh and I’m waiting

The cool wind is taking over

it’s taking over

still you're

so far away

you’re gone so long

ohh and I’m waiting

Till that day

I take you home

know that I’m waiting

know that I’m waiting

know that I’m waiting

So far away

you’re gone so long

ohh and I’m waiting

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth (Well, not really.)

I have never been a very stingy person, however when we are talking about undergoing a surgery to remove four of my 3rd molars paired with cosmetic dentistry procedures for the rest of my pearly whites, it becomes an altogether different story.

I have always taken pride when it comes to my teeth, I do believe that I got my set of strong and nice pearly whites from my father. My teeth have always been unique. I have got 2 sets of "twins" perfectly and evenly positioned on the bottom part of my teeth. A few canals which branched at the end rather than having a normal single path was also discovered during a root canal session. One of my wisdom tooth which is currently making its presence oh so painfully known has a horizontal impaction. Such impaction is the least common form roughly only 3% of the population has them. The tooth happens to be angled fully ninety degrees sideways and growing into the roots of the second molar. Yes, that tooth has gone batshitcrazy, defied the supposed direction of growth and decided to push the tooth beside it. The remaining three of my 3rd molars are all in vertical impaction happily playing peek-a-boo along the gumline. If this is the case of being unique, then please make me normal instead.

I love my dentists to pieces and totally trust them, however after a scheduled consultation, I was informed that the tooth has to go. Surgery?! Oh no! I don't care if they are that good as what you say (the fact that famous local stars chose them to be their dentists does not alleviate my fears). It is my teeth that we are talking about here! Mine! So yeah, it makes everything bigger. Unfortunately, my demented wisdom tooth chooses to agree with my doctor and seems to want out as well. I know that such treatments would cause twice or even thrice if I am to have it done in the US, but seeing the amount in Philippine peso, I could not help but cringe and wince as I look at my current quotation. Considering that the said computation only includes two 3rd molars to be removed. I am still debating with myself as to do it Machiavelli style and remove all four in one go or to do it by having two surgeries instead. Ay caramba, somebody sedate me!!!

Seeing it makes me have this firm belief that it will drive me straight to the poorhouse. I know for sure that a certain wallet? Will surely feel raped.

Breaking Free

The closet is such a sad place. You won't really know how cramped it can be until you experience yourself how it is to truly be out of it. I was once in the closet and my coming out story was not truly difficult. It was having my first partner meet my parents that put me through a lot. That however deserves a different post.

I am one of those who does not see the "abnormality" of loving someone despite the fact that two people have the same gender. When I was younger, falling in love with a man felt like the most natural thing in the world, but so did falling in love with a woman. For me, love is love. No apologies. No justifications.

Though I have also learned that being openly gay does not necessarily mean total freedom. It happens when you enter a relationship where your partner is still hiding in that deep dark corner of the closet. That no matter how proud you are of yourself, your preference, your relationship and your partner, you tend to take a step back.

I experienced having wonderful dates and at the end of the day when all I wanted was to be able to hold her hand, I couldn't because the chance that people might see us was highly probable. It does not feel right when you are to hide everything that you are for fear of someone seeing the two of you together. Was it really that scary to be seen happy?

I never thought that I would somehow see the four walls of the closet once again...

For years I had to re-learn how to become the mistress of pronouns where "we" is the only pronoun to use rather than dealing with the intricacies of "he" or the formidable "she." When somebody asks: "What did you do last (insert holiday here)?" rather than saying "My girlfriend and I..." I choose to answer with "We..." Oh such glorified obfuscations were not a stranger to me. Leading people into believing whatever they wanted to believe and never having the right to correct them. Words can truly imprison you. Silence is not a safe and neutral ground, it is a prison cell.

On some occasions, I have experienced being with my partner only to be asked by an acquaintance why on earth they haven't met our boyfriends. Worse, being set-up with a man right in front of your beloved. I had to keep my mouth shut as I tried to swallow the many biting remarks I could not afford to spew. I felt trapped and unwanted.

Imagine loving someone and being loved in return in a madly, deeply, breathlessly, passionately - but secretly kind of way...

For awhile it is bearable that is true but in the long run it gnaws at you, and on certain low points in your life you ask yourself if you are not worthy of something more.

What kind of coward doesn't shout about the person they love?

A lot of homosexual relationships live on the "Oh they probably know about us, it's quite obvious right?" and so they choose to live by that. Waiting for a moment that might never come. Deluding themselves that their idea of obvious is enough. You know what, the notion that others probably know about your relationship just doesn't cut it.

I am not saying that you do it now. A grand coming-out moment with confetti and glitters as you blast out of the closet is not even required no matter how fabulous that may sound. If you think that coming out wouldn't make a difference, then you are wrong. It is true that people will choose to believe whatever they want to believe, but at least you are able to liberate yourself.

Fear compels you in that dark place.

Break free from its confines.

Take baby steps if you want.

Come out, piece by piece if you have to.

At a standstill

I miss it.

The stolen kisses.

Where the earth is suspended on its axis

and when it starts to spin again

it's turning a little faster.

A Queen for a Queen

"Consider it yours." That was what she said when I asked my wickedly brilliant sniper to secure me an already sold-out Venomous Villains Oh So Fair beauty powder.

I was teary eyed, panicky and very anxious with the thought of wanting something so bad and yet I can't seem to have it. I know that what I have just stated may sound silly and probably even too childish for some, but if you truly know me, you would know that: a) I am a Disney Villain addict b) I become restless when I want something sooooooo bad (this calls for one of those bad kind of want moment) and c) I do not give a crap what you think about the many things I want to have in my life (from the mundane up to the most grandiose).

After much soothing and trying to calm me down, I saw her face brighten up as she gave me her winsome smile...

"You are now a proud owner of a Disney Villain make-up."

It took a few seconds for me to actually realize what she just did, and when it dawned on me, I squealed with delight and thanked her in between giggles.

I still haven't gotten around in letting her know how grateful I am.

I guess I just have to find a way SOON ;)

♪♫ Broken ♫♪

... The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead

and I still see your reflection inside of my eyes

That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

with a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain (in the pain), is there healing

In your name (in your name) I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will

will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now,

haven't forgotten my way home...