In Your Sleep

How long have I been here
just watching you sleep
the slow breathing
the steady beat of your heart
your face, a map
holding a thousand stories
how I long to reach out
as I battle time
for in this place that we both share
where today and tomorrow are one
let me hold you as you slumber
let me keep you safe
let me wrap you
with all the love
that I can never say.

Cutting ties (08/29/2010)

How do you even begin to tell a story when wounds are much too deep? When you have no idea when an issue even began, or what event turned things around to make one give-up and take that final step.

Not long ago, a family member dare question if I truly loved my father and that if I truly did, then I was supposed to follow in their lead. In their minds, they firmly believe that what that they are doing is the right thing. In order for me to do something like that, I am to turn my back on everything that I have believed in and forget the person that I am.

I have to learn the art of pretending. Of which I would never do.

I find it to be quite disturbing that their notion of the right path would include crossing lines, sneaking around, hushed whispers of gossip and decisions made by only the few supposedly wise members of the family. I haven't even delved on the topic of respect or perhaps the huge lack of it. They speak of acceptance and yet they turn a blind eye when the same is asked from them. It would seem that their notion of "family" is limited only to those whom they deemed deserving to belong with them.

So I chose to cut my ties. Watched it all fall away.
Nothing grand was lost. No life-altering moment. No sadness nor grief.

In fact there was peace.

8pm

We will forever miss you baby Anya...

Waiting

Your memory remains

I breathe it closer

I swear that I still feel you near

The cool wind is taking over

it’s taking over

So far away

you’re gone so long

ohh and I’m waiting

Haunted by your grace

you know I’m falling

so cool without you

always in my mind

I hear you calling

So far away

you’re gone so long

ohh and I’m waiting

The cool wind is taking over

it’s taking over

still you're

so far away

you’re gone so long

ohh and I’m waiting

Till that day

I take you home

know that I’m waiting

know that I’m waiting

know that I’m waiting

So far away

you’re gone so long

ohh and I’m waiting

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth (Well, not really.)

I have never been a very stingy person, however when we are talking about undergoing a surgery to remove four of my 3rd molars paired with cosmetic dentistry procedures for the rest of my pearly whites, it becomes an altogether different story.

I have always taken pride when it comes to my teeth, I do believe that I got my set of strong and nice pearly whites from my father. My teeth have always been unique. I have got 2 sets of "twins" perfectly and evenly positioned on the bottom part of my teeth. A few canals which branched at the end rather than having a normal single path was also discovered during a root canal session. One of my wisdom tooth which is currently making its presence oh so painfully known has a horizontal impaction. Such impaction is the least common form roughly only 3% of the population has them. The tooth happens to be angled fully ninety degrees sideways and growing into the roots of the second molar. Yes, that tooth has gone batshitcrazy, defied the supposed direction of growth and decided to push the tooth beside it. The remaining three of my 3rd molars are all in vertical impaction happily playing peek-a-boo along the gumline. If this is the case of being unique, then please make me normal instead.

I love my dentists to pieces and totally trust them, however after a scheduled consultation, I was informed that the tooth has to go. Surgery?! Oh no! I don't care if they are that good as what you say (the fact that famous local stars chose them to be their dentists does not alleviate my fears). It is my teeth that we are talking about here! Mine! So yeah, it makes everything bigger. Unfortunately, my demented wisdom tooth chooses to agree with my doctor and seems to want out as well. I know that such treatments would cause twice or even thrice if I am to have it done in the US, but seeing the amount in Philippine peso, I could not help but cringe and wince as I look at my current quotation. Considering that the said computation only includes two 3rd molars to be removed. I am still debating with myself as to do it Machiavelli style and remove all four in one go or to do it by having two surgeries instead. Ay caramba, somebody sedate me!!!

Seeing it makes me have this firm belief that it will drive me straight to the poorhouse. I know for sure that a certain wallet? Will surely feel raped.

Breaking Free

The closet is such a sad place. You won't really know how cramped it can be until you experience yourself how it is to truly be out of it. I was once in the closet and my coming out story was not truly difficult. It was having my first partner meet my parents that put me through a lot. That however deserves a different post.

I am one of those who does not see the "abnormality" of loving someone despite the fact that two people have the same gender. When I was younger, falling in love with a man felt like the most natural thing in the world, but so did falling in love with a woman. For me, love is love. No apologies. No justifications.

Though I have also learned that being openly gay does not necessarily mean total freedom. It happens when you enter a relationship where your partner is still hiding in that deep dark corner of the closet. That no matter how proud you are of yourself, your preference, your relationship and your partner, you tend to take a step back.

I experienced having wonderful dates and at the end of the day when all I wanted was to be able to hold her hand, I couldn't because the chance that people might see us was highly probable. It does not feel right when you are to hide everything that you are for fear of someone seeing the two of you together. Was it really that scary to be seen happy?

I never thought that I would somehow see the four walls of the closet once again...

For years I had to re-learn how to become the mistress of pronouns where "we" is the only pronoun to use rather than dealing with the intricacies of "he" or the formidable "she." When somebody asks: "What did you do last (insert holiday here)?" rather than saying "My girlfriend and I..." I choose to answer with "We..." Oh such glorified obfuscations were not a stranger to me. Leading people into believing whatever they wanted to believe and never having the right to correct them. Words can truly imprison you. Silence is not a safe and neutral ground, it is a prison cell.

On some occasions, I have experienced being with my partner only to be asked by an acquaintance why on earth they haven't met our boyfriends. Worse, being set-up with a man right in front of your beloved. I had to keep my mouth shut as I tried to swallow the many biting remarks I could not afford to spew. I felt trapped and unwanted.

Imagine loving someone and being loved in return in a madly, deeply, breathlessly, passionately - but secretly kind of way...

For awhile it is bearable that is true but in the long run it gnaws at you, and on certain low points in your life you ask yourself if you are not worthy of something more.

What kind of coward doesn't shout about the person they love?

A lot of homosexual relationships live on the "Oh they probably know about us, it's quite obvious right?" and so they choose to live by that. Waiting for a moment that might never come. Deluding themselves that their idea of obvious is enough. You know what, the notion that others probably know about your relationship just doesn't cut it.

I am not saying that you do it now. A grand coming-out moment with confetti and glitters as you blast out of the closet is not even required no matter how fabulous that may sound. If you think that coming out wouldn't make a difference, then you are wrong. It is true that people will choose to believe whatever they want to believe, but at least you are able to liberate yourself.

Fear compels you in that dark place.

Break free from its confines.

Take baby steps if you want.

Come out, piece by piece if you have to.

At a standstill

I miss it.

The stolen kisses.

Where the earth is suspended on its axis

and when it starts to spin again

it's turning a little faster.