You Can Let Go Now Daddy...

We'll sing again someday

They’ve always said that I am every bit my father’s daughter. Many years ago, I wouldn’t have believed it, probably even hated it. Now however is a totally different story.

It has been 5 months and 15 days since my dad passed away. The void is still painfully there, a certain longing and the uncertainties still lurk in the shadows. I may not cry as hard now, but when my tears do fall, it hurts just as much as the day he went away.

I seek solace from random memories of him and me, and tonight, I am grasping as much from it like a lifeline.

When I was a kid, I never really thought much of certain moments that my dad and I shared. Now as an adult who is feeling the great loss, I reminisce the times we were together...

My mind wanders back on particular days that my father would take his guitar from where it hung, sit on a chair and would start strumming. It was my cue to immediately run to him (invited or not) wriggle my way from under his arm to sit on his leg, my goal was to be caught in between guitar and chest. I wasn’t particularly sure what song he was singing before I went up to him, but I know that somehow, we would sing that song which would always have my mother and grandmother sitting with us in the living room.

He would usually start by kissing the top of my head. I couldn’t really see much from where I was sitting but I knew that my dad has begun playing the guitar. I would feel the vibrations coming from the instrument, his left hand moving left and right, right arm going up and down as the guitar magically comes to life. I would then hear him hum, though I was not really sure when my part would begin. I would just listen to him sing or hum while I moved my head in time with his song. Then I would hear it – MY PART! I would feel a gentle nudge and it was then that I would sing that certain chorus that I have learned by heart. I would bellow with much bravado and sometimes, I would catch him chuckling as he continued to play. My mother and grandmother would often encourage us to continue and somehow, my father always indulged them. I was painfully shy when I was a kid, but it was during those times that I never felt timid.

This is my part of the song:

Tatanda at lilipas din ako 

(I’ll grow old and one day I’ll pass away)

Ngunit mayro'ng awiting 

(But there will be a song)

Iiwanan sa inyong alaala 

(that I shall leave for you to remember)

Dahil minsan, tayo'y nagkasama 

(for all those times we were together)

I miss my father terribly. The loss is great, the sadness inexplicable.

Moments that I wish he is still around, the kid in me cries for that so much, but the adult in me knows that he is so much better off without the pain. I am grateful that I am truly my father’s prized daughter; and when the missing part goes unbearable yet again, I can always think back on the memories that no one can ever take away.

Imploding

I am aching,

a pain that starts at the gut

as it throbs in my chest

with every beat of my heart

a pounding in my head

the clenching of my fists

as I coil everything in

and I purse my lips

never to let out a scream.

If Only You Knew

I am having an affair

with you in my mind.

Ever changing

we move from place to place.

Where you can be mine

as I can be yours.

Even for awhile,

just for awhile.

The (Wo)man Who Can't Be Moved

Going back to the corner where I first saw you

Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move

Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand

saying, "If you see this girl, can you tell her where I am?"

Some try to hand me money. They don't understand

I'm not broke I'm just a broken-hearted man

I know it makes no sense but what else can I do?

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me

And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be

Thinkin' maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

Policeman said, "Son, you can't stay here"

I said "There's someone I'm waiting for, if it's a day, a month, a year"

Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows

If she changes her mind, this is the first place she will go

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me

And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be

Thinkin' maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

I'm not moving, I'm not moving

People talk about the guy who's waiting on a girl

Whooaahoo..

There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world

Whooaahoo..

Maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved

Maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news

You'll come running to the corner

'cause you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me

(Find you're missing me)

And your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be

(Oh, where on earth I could be?)

Thinkin' maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

(To the place that we'd meet, ohhh)

And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

(On the corner of the street)

I'm the man who can't be moved

So I'm not moving

('Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me)

I'm not moving

(And your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be)

I'm not moving

(Thinkin' maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet)

I'm not moving

(And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

Going back to the corner where I first saw you

Gonna camp in my sleeping bag. I'm not gonna move

Goodwill for once

My being a lesbian is actually an act of Christian Charity.
Imagine all those women praying so hard to have a man...
and I'm actually giving them my share!

A moment of truth

Friend 1: Do you still think of her?

Friend 2: Everyday of my life.
Friend 1: True.