Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Whom should I hate?

I'm beginning to hate you. It scares me. It scares me because I know I shouldn't. I feel it starting deep within me like a knot in my stomach that no amount of sleep nor laughter can relieve. I am bitter and outraged.

For you who wants me to put someone else on top of my priority list. Is it because you sent me to school? Isn't that my right? Or is it because I never lacked in any luxury that I wanted and needed and that you are still giving me up to now? Is it because there's no one left but me to carry all these burden? Why must it be me? Why do you want so much to strap me in your life? Why can't I just be me? If you have issues about my being a lesbian then for crying out loud say it! But that doesn't mean I'll change nor let go of my girlfriend because I won't. Stop doing this to me for I deserve better. Why are you doing this to me? I am choking from your cold grasp! Will you just let go of my neck for once?!

Or you, who is old enough to know what's right or wrong. That you're old enough to have freaky relationships and yet cannot cook a darn fried egg? That you're old enough to french kiss a guy and yet you ask me the littlest thing as simple as "How should I put the leash on my dog?" Fuck it! Why not test how it goes and if the friggin' dog doesn't choke to death then maybe you did get it right. Yes I find your dependency on me pathetic and tiring. Must I do everything for you? Must I eat for you? Must I wipe your mouth when you eat? Should I put a bib around your neck and hope you strangle yourself to death so that I may be rid of you and your outrageous helplessness. With every silly question you ask me the more that I think of you as stupid. Yes, I think you're stupid. No amount of book reading is enough to increase your EQ because it cannot be learned there. You think I'm such a prick for always snapping at you but you deserve it! You deserve it because you're stupid. You do not want to learn things by yourself you actually need a step by step precedure in order to function. You can't even call a blasted delivery service no matter how starved you are! That is stupid. You're like a leech in my life! If you can very well have pathetic relationships, you might as well start growing up and stop being a menace in my life!

Why should I put my life revolve around them? Why should my growth be put on hold? Why must there be an emotional blackmail? Why must I put other people's happiness over mine? Why must I cater to them? When will I ever be free?

Or is it because of me? That no one can hold a candle beside me? Is it because my priorities are much too high? Is it because I let them do this to me? Or is it because this is my fate?


gentle slayer said...

Its because you love them that's why you put up with everything they do that tick you off. I love you and you love me, we push each other to the limits. But we dont get rid of each other. We just curse and hate and grind our teeth until we exhaust ourselves. But we don't get rid of the ones we love.

gentle slayer said...

the picture is scary. =(

thebrattydesign said...
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durante vita said...

That is intense. I understand, especially the part about not doing a damn thing about your romantic interest.

I loved this entry. Keep 'em coming.

Cruella DeVille said...

anyone who calls herself a goddess has many, many problems.

Goddess Gwen said...

Oh yes Cruella I have "many many" problems! Thanks for the visit!